DETACHMENT
APRIL II
| “Bad habits are like chains that are too light to feel until they are too heavy to carry.” ~Warren Buffet~ |
DETACHMENT COMMENTARY: There are many forms of Detachment, but for the intents and
purposes of this commentary I would like to write about detaching from our “knee jerk,”
“dysfunctional,” and “habituated” behaviors, which keep us stuck. This practice is a “count to ten” or
“time out” from our reactions to conflict. The Practice is to be used to help us respond to a situation
rather than reacting to it. The main reason for this type of Detachment is to mitigate damages brought
on by our “unthinking reactions.”
As we learn to live in the Present Moment, we find it is filled with many unpleasantries to which we
react. When someone is yelling in your face, you yell back, or cower. When someone puts you down, we
often resort to revenge or losing your sense of value. When someone rejects us and we often chase
after them, hoping they will love us once again. These are examples of embedded behaviors that
Wounded Souls have learned in order to cope with pain. Nevertheless, as adults we learn these types of
behaviors have transformed from coping techniques into dysfunctional behaviors.
So, how does one detach when someone is yelling in your face...by using the difficult and painstaking
practice of mindfulness. When you feel those primal feelings rising up, you breathe in those feelings,
just as you have done in the “Rest and Review” sections of the monthly practices. Then you “step
outside of yourself” sort of speak and turn on your “internal observer,” which I go into more deeply in
the Clarity section of this practice. Once this “Observer” is turned on, it is easier to see how you can
respond to your current situation, rather acting like a mirror image of the person yelling at you or
reverting to a victimization mentality. It may be that you have to use a humor to get through it, or say
a calm word, or set a boundary by saying “I am unable to discuss this with you right now.” What the
difficulty is in practicing detachment is that you must look honestly at what you and the one you are in
conflict both are feeling in that moment and we often only want to see our side.
Detachment always includes your needs, as well as that of others. Detachment doesn’t mean to detach
from your feelings, but rather to honor yourself and others by changing your habituated responses. It
doesn’t mean you just shut up and take it, but rather that you fully feel your emotions, and attempt to
see what is going on with the other person, in order to find the most peaceful response.
Lastly, it takes bravery to enter into this practice. One cannot embark on this journey with a Pollyanna
like attitude. When we change our responses, others with whom we have had conflict with in the past,
oft times want what is familiar; therefore their aggression towards you may increase. It takes a lot of
self awareness to unhook your self from habituated behaviors, as well as courage. However, with time
and practice, dysfunctions which only serve to make matters worse, can start to fade. The more we are
able to respond to conflict, rather than react, the more peace will increase in our lives and in the lives of
others. A good resource for this practicing Detachment can be found in the publication “Don’t Bite the
Hook,” by Pema Chodron.
purposes of this commentary I would like to write about detaching from our “knee jerk,”
“dysfunctional,” and “habituated” behaviors, which keep us stuck. This practice is a “count to ten” or
“time out” from our reactions to conflict. The Practice is to be used to help us respond to a situation
rather than reacting to it. The main reason for this type of Detachment is to mitigate damages brought
on by our “unthinking reactions.”
As we learn to live in the Present Moment, we find it is filled with many unpleasantries to which we
react. When someone is yelling in your face, you yell back, or cower. When someone puts you down, we
often resort to revenge or losing your sense of value. When someone rejects us and we often chase
after them, hoping they will love us once again. These are examples of embedded behaviors that
Wounded Souls have learned in order to cope with pain. Nevertheless, as adults we learn these types of
behaviors have transformed from coping techniques into dysfunctional behaviors.
So, how does one detach when someone is yelling in your face...by using the difficult and painstaking
practice of mindfulness. When you feel those primal feelings rising up, you breathe in those feelings,
just as you have done in the “Rest and Review” sections of the monthly practices. Then you “step
outside of yourself” sort of speak and turn on your “internal observer,” which I go into more deeply in
the Clarity section of this practice. Once this “Observer” is turned on, it is easier to see how you can
respond to your current situation, rather acting like a mirror image of the person yelling at you or
reverting to a victimization mentality. It may be that you have to use a humor to get through it, or say
a calm word, or set a boundary by saying “I am unable to discuss this with you right now.” What the
difficulty is in practicing detachment is that you must look honestly at what you and the one you are in
conflict both are feeling in that moment and we often only want to see our side.
Detachment always includes your needs, as well as that of others. Detachment doesn’t mean to detach
from your feelings, but rather to honor yourself and others by changing your habituated responses. It
doesn’t mean you just shut up and take it, but rather that you fully feel your emotions, and attempt to
see what is going on with the other person, in order to find the most peaceful response.
Lastly, it takes bravery to enter into this practice. One cannot embark on this journey with a Pollyanna
like attitude. When we change our responses, others with whom we have had conflict with in the past,
oft times want what is familiar; therefore their aggression towards you may increase. It takes a lot of
self awareness to unhook your self from habituated behaviors, as well as courage. However, with time
and practice, dysfunctions which only serve to make matters worse, can start to fade. The more we are
able to respond to conflict, rather than react, the more peace will increase in our lives and in the lives of
others. A good resource for this practicing Detachment can be found in the publication “Don’t Bite the
Hook,” by Pema Chodron.
| REPEAT ASPIRATION EVERY DAY FOR 7 DAYS WEEK 3 ASPIRATION: This week, when faced with a difficult situation, I aspire to step outside of my reactions and respond in a new way. SUPPORTS ~DAY 1~ "Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~DAY 2~ “We, who so much wish to have the love we send, be received, have to remain somewhat detached." ~Lena Lees ~DAY 3~ “Detached action is unselfish work.” ~ Bhagavad Gita ~DAY 4~ “He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment.” ~Meister Eckhart ~DAY 5~ “When he has the power to see things detached from self-interest...Then only can he see that what is unpleasant to us is not necessarily unbeautiful, but has its beauty in truth.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore ~DAY 6~ “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” ~Simone Weil ~DAY 7~ REST AND REVIEW Now, without judgment review your week. This week there were times I was able to respond to conflict rather than react to it. Now breathe in how it felt. Then breathe out the wish for everyone to share experience this feeling of responding differently. Now, look at your short-falls. This week there were times when I just reacted to a conflict, just making matters worse. Breathe in your painful emotion and breathe out the wish: May all those who unconsciously react be spared from creating more harm. Feel free to use your own words in this practice. |
| REPEAT ASPIRATION EVERY DAY FOR 7 DAYS WEEK 4 ASPIRATION: This week I aspire to seek self honoring and peaceful solutions. SUPPORTS ~DAY 1~ “Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.” ~Buddha ~DAY 2~ “Peace cannot be achieved through...can only be attained through understanding.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson ~DAY 3~ “Peace is the respect for the rights of others. (El respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz )”. ~Benito Juarez ~DAY 4~ “If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh ~DAY 5~ “There is no time left for anything but to make peacework a dimension of our every waking activity.” ~Elise Boulding ~DAY 6~ “Peace-making is a healing process and it begins with me, but it does not end there.” ~Gene Knudsen Hoffman ~DAY 7~ REST AND REVIEW Now, without judgment review your week. This week there were times I was able to honor my feelings and find peaceful solutions. Now breathe in how it felt. Then breathe out the wish for everyone to share in feeling self honoring peace. Now, look at your short-falls. This week I there were times I was unable to find peace within myself or in my conflicts with others. Breathe in your painful emotion and breathe out the wish: May all those who feel at odds with themselves and others be spared from this feeling. Feel free to use your own words in this practice |
| ENDING PRAYER: Dear Lord, please lift me up and heal me. Cast out of my mind all thoughts that are not of You. Cast out of me all harsh and critical nature. Cast out of me all violence and all anger.... Except from the “Healing Prayer” by Marianne Williamson |
| As further encouragement on your ability to connect with your "Internal Observer", I hope you are inspired by the video below. This YouTube video is provided by Healing Humanity. |
"RELAX AND DETACH" |