| JULY I |
| BOUNDARIES |
| REPEAT ASPIRATION EVERY DAY FOR 7 DAYS WEEK 1 ASPIRATION : Starting today, without guilt or reservation, I will start saying “NO,” to enabling the codependents in my life. SUPPORTS ~DAY 1~ Learn to say “no.” It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin. ~Charles H. Spurgeon ~DAY 2~ Rescue someone unwilling to look after himself, and he will cling to you like a dangerous illness. ~Mason Cooley ~DAY 3~ For many women, saying "No" doesn't come naturally...In choosing your responses, remember the K.I.S.S. principle: Keep It Short and Simple. ~ Cheryl Richardson ~DAY 4~ When you start to say “no”, it is going to take some people in your life completely by surprise, especially if you always said “yes” to everything before. ~Unknown ~DAY 5~ You have to make it clear, if you say no, that you’re not going to change your mind. But don’t be rude about it. ~Leo Babauta ~DAY 6~ ...worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy." ~Melody Beattie ~DAY 7~ REST AND REVIEW Now, without judgment review your week. This week there were times I was able to say “no” to those people I have enabled without feeling guilty about it. Now breathe in the freedom of how that felt. Then breathe out the wish for everyone to share in freedom of releasing others to live with the consequences of their own actions. Now, look at your short-falls. This week I there were times I was unable to say “no,” falling into the same old traps. Breathe in your how painful it was to feel guilty for not wanting to do that old dysfunctional dance. Then breathe out the wish: May all those who feel guilty for not rescuing others be spared from this feeling. Feel free to use your own words in this practice. |
Boundaries Commentary: For many Wounded Souls we often don’t have any concept of what healthy boundaries
are, because we grew up in situations where our boundaries were constantly being crossed. So, we often grow up
with what Oprah Winfrey calls, “The disease to please.”Other terms for this condition are: “codependent,”
“pleaser,” “enabler,” or “fixer. Those of us who fit into that definition have been taught that if we want
something for ourselves that we “selfish.” We are made to believe that the only value we have is to “fix” the lives
of others or “rescue” them from consequences in their lives. It seems to us that if rescue others we are “a bad
person.” We are taught that saying “no” makes us selfish and we often live in guilt or in fear of abandonment.
(Note: If you are going to break codependence in a physically abusive relationship, do not embark on this journey
without seeking outside help.)
Here are some key indicators that you are in a codependent relationship: Helping others who do something ,
which they can actually do for themselves and when you do, they almost never reciprocate Another way to know
if you are an enabler is if you feel guilty or selfish when you say “no.” Other red flags of codependence is when
people feel they can disrespect you, without apology and/or when you are incessantly bailing a person out of one
drama after another. Taking verbal abuse and minimizing it, is a great big sign you are enabling. In any of these
cases, I encourage you to give these people a resounding “NO!” You don’t have to be rude about it, but never
apologize for saying “no.” And never, never make any excuses for your decision of “NO,” because this gives
dependent personalities another avenue into manipulating you.
So how do we break this ingrained dysfunctional cycle of codependence? One layer at a time. My friend says it is
like peeling an onion, we remove one layer after another, until you come to the center, which is you. We can
start by just saying “No.” As simple as it sounds the moment you embark on the journey it is like the other
person goes insane. They will try every trick in their book to get you back into the dysfunctional dance you’ve
been in with them: Guilt, yelling, pleading, manipulation, and withholding love from you. You will have to take
every ounce of your courage, and temerity to keep saying “no.” This step will either make your relationship more
functional, or end the relationship altogether.
The main reason for breaking codependence is not just because you spend all your time, and energy, trying to
rescue a the dependent personality form suffering any consequences for their own actions, usually to no avail,
but more importantly, if don’t allow people to endure the consequences of their actions they become stunted.
Instead helping, you are cultivating abusers, users, and disempowering others to handle their own lives. Starting
today I encourage you to start saying “yes” to you and “no” to rescuing others.
I recommend that anyone embarking on this journey into “self-full” action to read: Melody Beattie,
“Codependent No More,” “Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps” and more. Other good books are “Breaking
Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence,” by Pia Mellody, and Andrea Wells Miller, “The Dance of
Wounded Souls” Robert Burney, and “Don’t Bite the Hook, by Pema Chodron. These books will help strengthen
you through this process towards healthy loving relationships.
Lastly and most importantly, one must remember that the only life you can actually save is your own.
are, because we grew up in situations where our boundaries were constantly being crossed. So, we often grow up
with what Oprah Winfrey calls, “The disease to please.”Other terms for this condition are: “codependent,”
“pleaser,” “enabler,” or “fixer. Those of us who fit into that definition have been taught that if we want
something for ourselves that we “selfish.” We are made to believe that the only value we have is to “fix” the lives
of others or “rescue” them from consequences in their lives. It seems to us that if rescue others we are “a bad
person.” We are taught that saying “no” makes us selfish and we often live in guilt or in fear of abandonment.
(Note: If you are going to break codependence in a physically abusive relationship, do not embark on this journey
without seeking outside help.)
Here are some key indicators that you are in a codependent relationship: Helping others who do something ,
which they can actually do for themselves and when you do, they almost never reciprocate Another way to know
if you are an enabler is if you feel guilty or selfish when you say “no.” Other red flags of codependence is when
people feel they can disrespect you, without apology and/or when you are incessantly bailing a person out of one
drama after another. Taking verbal abuse and minimizing it, is a great big sign you are enabling. In any of these
cases, I encourage you to give these people a resounding “NO!” You don’t have to be rude about it, but never
apologize for saying “no.” And never, never make any excuses for your decision of “NO,” because this gives
dependent personalities another avenue into manipulating you.
So how do we break this ingrained dysfunctional cycle of codependence? One layer at a time. My friend says it is
like peeling an onion, we remove one layer after another, until you come to the center, which is you. We can
start by just saying “No.” As simple as it sounds the moment you embark on the journey it is like the other
person goes insane. They will try every trick in their book to get you back into the dysfunctional dance you’ve
been in with them: Guilt, yelling, pleading, manipulation, and withholding love from you. You will have to take
every ounce of your courage, and temerity to keep saying “no.” This step will either make your relationship more
functional, or end the relationship altogether.
The main reason for breaking codependence is not just because you spend all your time, and energy, trying to
rescue a the dependent personality form suffering any consequences for their own actions, usually to no avail,
but more importantly, if don’t allow people to endure the consequences of their actions they become stunted.
Instead helping, you are cultivating abusers, users, and disempowering others to handle their own lives. Starting
today I encourage you to start saying “yes” to you and “no” to rescuing others.
I recommend that anyone embarking on this journey into “self-full” action to read: Melody Beattie,
“Codependent No More,” “Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps” and more. Other good books are “Breaking
Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence,” by Pia Mellody, and Andrea Wells Miller, “The Dance of
Wounded Souls” Robert Burney, and “Don’t Bite the Hook, by Pema Chodron. These books will help strengthen
you through this process towards healthy loving relationships.
Lastly and most importantly, one must remember that the only life you can actually save is your own.
| Even if you are capable of unconditional love, it is impossible to have an unconditional relationship. ~Roxanne Williams~ |
| REPEAT ASPIRATION EVERY DAY FOR 7 DAYS WEEK 2 ASPIRATION: Today I will not allow others to treat me with disrespect. SUPPORTS ~DAY 1~ Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. ~ Mark Twain ~DAY 2~ You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do. ~A. J. Kitt ~DAY 3~ Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins ~DAY 4~ Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. ~Mary Schmich ~DAY 5~ The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs. ~Joan Didion ~DAY 6~ A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home wide open, anyone, including welcome and un-welcome guests can walk in without hesitation. ~Cindy Ricardo ~DAY 7~ REST AND REVIEW Now, without judgment review your week. This week there were times I was able to demand others to treat me with respect, as much as I have treated them. Now breathe in how it felt to be respected. Then breathe out the wish for everyone to share in feeling of self respect. Now, look at your short-falls. This week I there were times I was unable to stand up for myself. Breathe in how painful it feels to be disrespected and breathe out the wish: May all those who feel never feel less than anyone else. Feel free to use your own words in this practice. |
| Prayer to the Voice in the Winds O Great Spirit, whose Voice I hear in the Winds, hear me -- for I am small and weak: I need Your Strength and Wisdom. I seek Strength, O Great One, not to be superior to my Brothers But to conquer my greatest enemy: Myself... ~excerpt from prayer of Kaqtukwawsisipuskw |
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